Spiritual encouragement requires a mind of one's own

In the third principle, Unitarian Universalists covenant to affirm and promote acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations and often have difficulty in comprehending what, at a deep level, this acceptance and spiritual growth might actually entail. Murray Bowen, the Psychiatrist at Georgetown and a pioneer in family therapy, developed what has come to be known as Bowenian Family Systems Theory. One of his students, Edwin Friedman, also happened to be a Rabbi and used Bowen's ideas in consulting work with synagogues and congregations from various religions and denominations. A key idea which Bowen developed, and Friedman further expanded on and applied, is the idea of differentiation. In simple terms, differentiation is how one is different from one's family of origin. In other words, to what extent does this person have a mind of his/her own, can stand on his/her own two feet, is captain of his/her ship, and master or mistress of his/her own fate?

We all grow up in a family of origin and unconsciously inherit what I call a "psychological legacy." That psychological legacy is made up of the values, beliefs, opinions, traditions, preferences, and practices of our family. There is the Johnson way of doing things, the Rodriquez way of doing things, and the Singletary way of doing things. If you ask most people why they value what they value, why they believe what they believe, why they do what they do, they will look at you like a deer in the headlights and say something like, "I don't know. That's the way I was raised." Most people don't think about their psychological legacy consciously until they think about having children of their own, or have children of their own, when now they have to decide to what extent they want to keep the values, beliefs, and practices they grew up with and what they want to change. Some of the values, beliefs, and practices they grew up with they might think were very good for them and they want to pass those values, beliefs, and practices on to their children, and other of those values, beliefs, and practices they may think were abusive, unfair, not right and they have said to themselves, "If I have have a child of my own, I certainly are not raising them and treating them the way I have been raised and treated. I am going to do it different."

Bowen is clear that whether a person changes some of the values, beliefs, and practices or keeps them does not matter as far as differentiation is concerned. The point is -  did the person make a conscious choice? Once a person becomes conscious of the values, beliefs, and practices and makes a decision to keep them or change them, the person is in control of his/her own life and not just victimized by emotional and social forces and dynamics he/she doesn't understand. He or she now understands what makes him or her tick. They have some understanding of the forces that influence their own functioning and so they can manage them. Without this conscious recognition they are doomed to be influenced by forces that they don't understand or are even aware of. How spiritually aware can a person be if he or she doesn't even understand the forces that influence their own functioning?

Bowen says some interesting things about the application of his model of differentiation. He says that descriptively you could could put differentiation on a 10 point scale with 10 being enlightened, fully actualized, realized, self aware human being. Jesus and Buddha and other enlightened masters have made it all the way to a 10, but most people don't grow much past 5. Bowen says that the degree of differentiation is directly related to a person's mental health so the more differentiated a person has become the more mentally healthy (s)he will be. The level of differentiation is directly related to a person's consciousness and level of functioning. So a 5 will always marry a 5, or a 6 a 6, but a 6 would never marry a 5 because the 6 would always to talking over the 5's head.

Friedman, in applying Bowen's theory to organizations, found that subordinates have a hard time functioning at any higher level of differentiation that their superior. This observation makes it critical for the head of an organization to be a person who has achieved a relatively high level of differentiation or the whole organization, congregation will suffer.

How do you help someone become more differentiated? By helping him or her have a mind of his/her own and be able to take principled stands and positions on issues of disagreement and conflict within the group or organization. If the person with the authority to make decisions and allocate resources is wishy washy, ambiguous, rides the fence, afraid to take a stand or position, the functioning of the group or organization will suffer.

It probably is no surprise that when the leader(s) of a congregation and/or group are "straight with people", willing to put his/her cards on the table, is willing to call a spade a spade and take the bull by the horns, things go better in the long wrong even if this honesty wrankles some people in the short run. It is hard, if not impossible, for a subordinate to function at a higher level of differentiation that his/her superordinate. The subordinate who is growing and surpasses their superordinate must either leave the organization or take charge if the organization is going to survive and thrive.

As we review the New Testament and consider Jesus' functioning, there are many statements about people being amazed that this carpenter's son speaks with such authority and wisdom. Some people are astounded and say things like, "where did this person come from? How can this be?" And others mock Him and sarcastically address Him as rabbi when He is not ordained and a rabbi in any official capacity. People immediately though recognize Jesus as highly differentiated. Jesus even asks his own disciples one time, "Who do you say that I am?" and they recognize that there is something special about Jesus' functioning but they have a hard time answering His question articulately.

It is imperative that congregational leadership be highly differentiated other wise the functioning of the congregation is mediocre at best and full of conflict and strife at the worst. It could be argued that Unitarian Universalism is a very tiny denomination and its congregations are also very small on average because of the lack of differentiated leadership and because of this the congregational culture isn't such that much spiritual growth can be encouraged from a Bowenian systems perspective. Perhaps it is the misguided understanding of "democracy" which leads to consensual decision making and endless committee meetings in UU congregations which not only leads to, but sustains and encourages, this mediocrity.

If the UUA were to seriously address the application of its third principle it would need to have a ministerial training program which educated and socialized holy and highly differentiated ministers for leadership. Without this the denomination will continue to stagnate unless lay leadership emerges which can function effectively without depending on a mediocre clerical staff.

This model predicts a cascading dynamic in organizations that are isomorphic so that the highest functioning people, hopefully in leadership rolls, will nurture and encourage the growth of the people at lower levels or more marginal positions in the organization. This kind of differentiated leadership is emotional and doesn't have anything to do necessarily with intelligence, degrees, credentials, or social status but with what Daniel Goleman calls "emotional intelligence."

To be emotionally intelligent one needs to be very self aware, have excellent self control, the ability to tolerate high levels of ambiguity and frustration, the ability to be self directed and set goals and persist in the pursuit of them in spite of barriers and obstacles, and be very empathic and able to read people and manage their emotions for them as well as one's own.

The deal with spiritual encouragement is that people with more spiritual insight, knowledge, and functioning can share what they have with people who have less, and in the process they learn again or more intensively and extensively what they teach and share. This dynamic then becomes a win/win in our congregations which are experienced as dynamic, inspired, and full of joy and Love.

Have we become co-creators with God of the universe?

In Chapter Twelve of The Green Boat, her last chapter, Mary Pipher discusses hope as an ingredient in a life well lived.

"I have learned that reviving the planet and reviving ourselves are not opposed, but rather deeply congruent behaviors. Fixing inner and outer space are the same process. We can't heal ourselves without healing our environments, and we can't be mentally healthy when the green boat is sinking and we are pretending that trauma isn't happening. As the Great Acceleration occurs, unless we are part of the Great Turning, we will drown in global storms." p. 214

Pipher writes a little further:

"We are tumbling though time like shells on  a breaking wave. On what shore will we land, we don't know. We cannot go backward in time; we can only go forward." p. 215

"I try  not to be too caught up in my fluctuating emotions and I especially don't predict the future. I know it will not be like the past. To quote John Gorka, 'Our old future is gone.'" p. 215

For sure, life will continue to evolve. That we know. As conscious beings we are at a point in our evolutionary trajectory where we humans have the power to influence this evolutionary process not only on planet earth but in our solar system and a little bit beyond with the probes we have sent into deep space beyond our solar system.

And what meaning can we make of this evolutionary phenomenon where we humans can collaborate with God, the Life Force, to influence not only our own destiny but the destiny of other living things? The sixth principle of Unitarian Universalism is that we covenant to affirm and promote the goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all. Nice sentiment, but perhaps too pedestrian. We need to enlarge our vision to include at least the solar system, and probably the universe as long as we advocate with humility and not with hubris. And it is not just a world community that we should be seeking peace, liberty, and justice for but the evolutionary future of our planet and solar system. As Pipher quotes John Gorka, "Our old future is gone."

As the Great Acceleration is teaching us during the Great Turning humans have become aware that they are co-creators with God as they influence their own evolution. This can inspire great hope, but also requires tremendous responsibilities and it is easy to despair whether we will be able to overcome our greed, our egotistical power trips, our denial to join with the creative force in not only respecting, but protecting and advocating for the health of the interdependent web of existence of which we are a part.

It is a great time in history to be a Unitarian Universalist because our faith provides us with the tools to move with hope into the future and to take on the tasks that God is calling us to assume. We can either despair as we consider our possible future or we can choose hope. This hope is not blind or false hope, but based on UUs seven principles, it is hope based on positive, constructive values which will guide us to a satisfying and fulfilling future life for ourselves and the diverse life forms on our planet.

UUAWOL Book of the month for September is This Road Will Take Us Closer To The Moon

The book we will be discussing in September, 2014 on UU A Way Of Life is Linda McCullough Moore's book of short stories, This Road Will Take Us Closer To The Moon. It is incisive and delightful.

Would you have inner peace and unconditional love? Purifications are necessary first.

As we consider the third principle of Unitarian Universalism, "acceptance of another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations" one might eventually be drawn to the role that sacrifice, purification, and abnegation of one's bodily and egotistical concerns play if a soul is to advance toward what the Perennial philosophy calls the "unitive Godhead."

Unitarian Universalists are not known for their ascetic practices or sacrifice as other religions and denominations are. UU does not have a history or requirement for fasting, praying a certain number of times per day, praying on the knees or bowing on a prayer rug, the giving up of certain foods at certain times, etc. Also there is no tradition of confession, penance, making of amends, etc.

There seems to be no recognition in the Unitarian Universalist tradition, some call it a movement, of the need to overcome the drama of the ego so that a practitioner of the faith can shift his/her perception and functioning to the spiritual realm and develop a consciousness of the holy.

And yet, most mature UUs would probably agree that there is a need for self discipline, self control, sacrifice, and that feeling good and doing good are not necessarily the same thing. If overcoming drama on the ego plane is something that needs to be mastered if one is to grow spiritually how does a UU facilitate this kind of spiritual growth in oneself and others?

Peace Pilgrim has written, "Then I discovered that there were some purifications required of me. The first one is such a simple thing: it is purification of the body." She then mentions the second purification as the purification of thought, and the third, the purification of desire, and the fourth and last, the purification of motive.

Peace Pilgrim then goes on and describes as "the relinquishments." The first is self-will, the second is the feeling of separateness,  the third is all attachments, and the last, negative feelings.

That's it. That's all you have to do, according to Peace Pilgrim, and other enlightened masters on our planet, to grow spiritually is to purify yourself and relinquish some ego things. Simple right? :-)

There seems to be very few institutionalized practices that are part of the UU tradition, although some UUs draw from the practices of its six sources, that help us with these purifications and relinquishments.

The biggest institutionalized practice in most congregations is the annual pledge drive and other social justice activities which may call for some sacrifice. These are good things to do, but to what extent do they contribute to spiritual growth and as Peace Pilgrim counsels how pure is the motive?

To be frank, Unitarian Universalism doesn't ask much of its adherents and so the reputation, perhaps unfair, is that anything goes and nothing is required but to just "sign the book." Perhaps it is in this fawning acceptance to acquire members that we overlook what might be required for spiritual growth in our congregations. Unitarian Universalism, well lived, is not an easy faith to engage in. Well lived, it requires tremendous effort, courage, bravery, sacrifice, patience, compassion, and forgiveness. These are not easy virtues to cultivate, practice, and develop. The seven principles, as has become apparent in this series of examinations, are deep, counter-cultural, and well practiced, puts one at odds with the conventional culture.

And yet, well practiced Unitarian Universalism is a vehicle for spiritual growth which brings its members and congregations to inner peace and unconditional Love.

Story of the day - Tragedy is awareness in the excess of power

Alicia said to Greg half way between anger and tears, "I don't know what's wrong with me! My people never win in elections. I fight for stuff all the time, and lose. I argue with people and they just don't get it. What in God's green earth is wrong with people??? Or is it me? Tell me if you think I'm nuts!

Greg started laughing, "Lice, it's not you, believe me. You are too good a person and if you have a fault, it's that you care too much."

"Yeah, how can you not care about doing the right things. So many times I feel it's not fair! Things shouldn't be this way! Somebody should do something.' I guess I've been this way since I was a little girl. You know what my mother used to say? She'd say to me kind of sternly, 'Alicia you have no right to complain unless you can do it better.'"

"How did that work out for you?" Greg asked.

"I've walked around my whole life muttering to myself, I know I could do it better. I know I could do it better. Maybe it's all my mother's fault for putting that thought in my head," Alicia said now laughing herself.

"Your mother was a very good woman and she raised a wonderful daughter," said Greg.

"Oh yeah?" said Alicia. "Then how come I'm so screwed up?"

"You're not screwed up," said Greg. "You're counter cultural. You're way ahead of your time. You're the sane one living in an insane world. You have to learn how not to take it so seriously, because it's all nonsense. You know that,"

"Not take it seriously, you say? How do you do that?" asked Alicia.

"Like Jesus said, 'Be in the world but not of the world,'" said Greg.

"I'm suppose to live a double life?" asked Alicia.

"Karl Jaspers said that tragedy is awareness in the excess of power, by which I think he meant, to know something and not to be able to do anything about it puts a person in a position of anger, discouragement, helplessness, sorrow and grief, and fear. You know, it's a real tragedy, the stuff tragedy is made of. The person might be better off not knowing because they can't do anything about it anyway. That's why they say 'ignorance is bliss.'" said Greg.

"I'd be better off if I was stupid, ignorant. Is that what you're saying?" asked Alicia.

"No, I didn't say that. What I said is that you would be more blissful because you wouldn't know so it wouldn't bother you. The question is whether you'd rather be in ignorant bliss or know the truth?" said Greg.

"How well do you know me?" said Alicia laughing.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you pretty well I think. That's why I love you. You're fine, just tired. You can't win em all as they say," said Greg.

"I don't seem to win any," said Alicia feigning a pout.

"You won me," said Greg.

"And what a blessing," said Alicia as she hugged him and gave him a big kiss.

Fighting for the environment: resilience in the face of defeat

In Chapter eleven of The Green Boat by Mary Pipher she describes the setbacks and defeats as she and her Transcanada Keystone XL pipeline coalition try to block its construction across her beloved state of Nebraska. It appears that the Nebraska legislature and Governor have been bought out by the lobbyists for Transcanada.

It is a familiar story these days to anyone who follows what has happened to the corruption of our legislative processes at county, state, and the federal levels as "lobbyists" have put our legislators into office to do their bidding and in many cases actually write the legislation which their legislative flunkies are expected to pass. The voters, the citizens, the people the legislators and Governors and President have sworn to serve and whose interests they have sworn to represent are so marginalized and disenfranchised from the actual legislative process that democracy in the twenty first century has become a joke because it is a travesty of justice and equity and this way of doing business has brought great shame to our country, its government, and the future of our country and planet.

How is a sane person to operate on such an uneven playing field in advocating and achieving the best policies that serve all the people not just vested interests?

Pipher asks the members of the coalition, "I'd like to ask everyone how they keep going and caring in the face of continual defeat?" p.206. Pipher then gives snippets of the answers for the various members who say multiple things like I do it for my kids's future. I do it because they expect me to give up and I don't want to give them the satisfaction. I do it because I've always been an activist and it's part of my identity. I do it simply because I like the work and the people I'm working with. I do it to be true to myself and my deepest values and beliefs. I do it because even though it looks like we will be defeated I have great faith that if we are patient and persistrent, we will win. I do it because I am a nurse and I see the earth as my patient and I want to keep her healthy. I do it because I like the people and the food we share when we get together and its more fun being with you folks than watching TV or going bowling. I like the process because I develop satisfying and fulfilling relationships with other people and whether we are successful or not I can't control, but I can still enjoy the relationships I have made with some great people.

Pipher ends her chapter with a couple of great lines which are well worth repeating and sharing.

"Yet, almost all truly great causes, world peace, the abolition of slavery, the eradication of hunger offer no quick victories." p. 212. I would add women's suffrage. Susan B. Anthony and her contemporaries never saw it in their lifetime after a lifetime of advocacy, but it did come in 1920 finally after Susan's body was rotting in its grave, but her spirit, dedication, values, beliefs are still alive and well and now days her's and the other early suffragettes victory is taken for granted as "normal" by contemporary females.

The second great line at the end of the chapter is, "My aunt Grace often said, 'I get what I want because I know what to want.'"

Unitarian Universalists covenanting together to affirm and support their seven principles know what to want and their seventh principle calling for "respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part" is a value that serves not only UUs very well, but all of humanity and all other living things.

Acceptance and the reservoir of positive feeling

The third principle of Unitarian Universalism is “acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations,’ and while it sounds deceptively simple, it can be extremely difficult and close to impossible.

Homo sapiens is not neurologically wired to be accepting, but just the opposite. The reptilian and most primitive part of our brain, the amygdale at the base of our skull, is very wary of anything different and ready to strike and kill if threatened or attacked. In the course of human evolution, our brains, wonderfully, have grown and developed, and the top front of our skull, the pre-frontal cortex is the part of the brain which consciously assesses and often overrides our more primitive, baser, instincts. As a psychotherapist, I get many referrals for “anger management.” Something happened where a person “flew off the handle”, “lost their temper”, or simply “lost it” as they say, “saw red”, “went psychotic”, and often did great destruction to themselves, to property, and/or to others.

It is normal to see these “temper tantrums” in a two or three year old, but in a 35 year old, it is scary and something needs to be done. It seems, with the 24 hour news cycles of cable TV and the internet, it is increasingly common to learn about incidents where someone went “postal” in a church. It happened in our own Unitarian Universalist denomination in Knoxville, Tennessee in 2008 when two people were killed and seven injured. And so how “accepting” are we supposed to be, certainly, not to the extent to which we put ourselves, and loves ones in jeopardy. “You can’t be too careful these days” seems to be the paranoid attitude fueled by our government’s obsession with “terrorists” around every corner to the extent that we all are subjected to constant electronic surveillance and intrusive searches of even our bodies by the TSA in airports. The message seems to be to trust nobody, accept nothing they tell you, everyone is suspect until they can prove they are no threat.

It is quite a world we are now living in and bringing children into which has developed a fortress mentality that has become endemic. It is in this world that Unitarian Universalists are naïve enough, gullible enough, maybe stupid enough to covenant and affirm the acceptance of one another. Many of the Unitarian Universalist principles are counter-cultural, but this one, if you study it closely, is, viewed from the conventional perspective of our current society, insane, out of touch with reality, only for fools.

And so how are we UUs to proceed in such a world?

First, we need to name our fears, our anger, our grief about “the other” because until we can name them we can’t manage them, and we will continue to be influenced and impacted by emotional and societal forces which we are unaware of or confused by because we are blind to what we are dealing with. Until we can say, “This is what it is about this person, and these kind of people, that scare me” we are doomed to act our emotions out like children instead of talking them out, naming them, and figuring out better ways of managing them. Secret keeping and hidden agendas are toxic cancers in the body of a congregation. Of course, as we discussed in the last article, shame is what contributes to our keeping our fears and animosities secret and so we pretend we are accepting and welcoming when our deeper thoughts and feelings contribute to us behaving otherwise.

Second, we need to stop with the excuses and second guessing. “Well I could be more accepting if only ______________ or ____________________. If only things were _______________, then it would be different. Maybe if ____________________happened or _________________happened, then I could be more accepting.” And so we bargain with God, with Life, with ourselves, with other people that acceptance could be possible if things could be somehow different, but, of course, they’re not. So these possibilities and wishes need to be explored. Are they warranted, legitimate, appropriate, or is this just wishful thinking, denial, a not wanting to accept how things are. “It is what it is,” say the Buddhists. “Yeah, well maybe that’s true, but that’s not how it’s suppose to be or how I want it,” we want to argue, but we are polite, civil, cooperative, and so we pretend to agree and go along while deep in our hearts, the truth be known, we aren’t accepting of this state of affairs at all. These excuses and second guessing is the cancer in so many congregations, and if it is manifested and emerges even in the slightest, people start demanding “conflict resolution” workshops. However, the issue isn’t necessarily about conflict resolution but about fear. What, dear God, is it that we are afraid of? And of course, truth be told, it is about loss, hurt, losing face, the need to be right, there are so many barriers and obstacles to accepting Love’s presence that we can’t even identify them all, count them all, and yet if we just started with one fear and could manage it to diminish its influence, or perhaps even eliminate it, we would be that much closer to real acceptance. You will know you are on the right track when you have more peace.

Third, acceptance is not a simple thing. It is not a magic key or a silver bullet. It is not a light switch that can be turned on and turned off. It is an organic quality which has to be nurtured, cultivated, fertilized, watered, and will blossom when people authentically can manage their fears constructively and diminish their impediment to genuine rapport. This is a process not an event.

More specifically how does this work? What will help? John Gottman, the social psychologist who has spent his career researching couple communication, calls it the 5:1 ratio. There needs to be five compliments, favors, indications of caring and affection for every criticism, negative statement or negative interaction. Acceptance is borne out of recognizing and acknowledging what is right in relationships not just what is scary and fear inducing and/or objectionable. Gottman says that every time someone makes a compliment, does a favor, expresses affection and caring, a deposit is made in what he calls “the reservoir of positive feeling”.

How big a reservoir of positive feeling exists in your congregation? How could it be contributed to so it can grow? How can it be used to offset pain and hurt? These deposits into the reservoir of positive feeling cannot be gimmicky, fake, disingenuous, and artificial, they need to be the real deal, the genuine article, honestly felt and communicated. It can be something as simple as asking, “Hi, how are you today?” and meaning it, standing there with your undivided attention curious about the other person’s answer. What people want more than anything is just someone else’s genuine caring, manifested in that person’s undivided attention. While it seems simple reading this on paper here, it is the most difficult thing in the world to actually do. When it is done well, though, a feeling of acceptance and belonging flourishes.